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Victory over the spirit of Suicide
I feel lead to share a personal testimony here about one of my deliverances from addiction as I was literally hanging over the jaws of death. It was what really inspired the very first poem I ever wrote called: “The key that unlocks the door.” I wrote it as a testimony in the late summer of 1988 after God miraculously stopped me from committing suicide as the result of demons tormenting my mind in the midst of a raging cocaine addiction. God not only saved me from suicide, He also set me free from my addiction. My suicide note read:
I’m standing behind a locked door facing a dark eternity And I’m searching for the answer to where I lost the key
I’m reaching deep within myself as my soul begins to bleed And I’m trying to grasp my spirit’s will to fight the demon’s seed.
I left this poem on a note book as I went into the bathroom to commit suicide. I just wanted to escape the tormenting voice of Satan which condemned me for my sins. Telling me that God had given up on me and I was forever damned so I might as well end it all and enter the hell I so deserved. I prayed and cried out to God in the name of Jesus Christ, pleading His shed blood as my only hope for finding grace and mercy. Yet my prayers seemed to be obscured by the fact that I was also coming down hard from a cocaine binge and the spiritual, mental and emotional turmoil raged as I was feigning for more cocaine. Words can not describe the inner battle which takes place. You can only relate if you’ve been there and faced a similar battle.
The words from an “Iron Maiden” song called “Moon Child” off their “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son” Release were being used by Satan to torment me. The demons screamed these words into my mind.
“And if you die by your own hand As a suicide you shall be damned And if you try to save your soul I will torment you You shall not grow old
With every step and passing breath You’ll be so alone your soul will bleed to death A web of fear shall be your coat To cloth you in the night There’s no escape for you young man I’ll see you damned in endless night.” (Lyrics from Iron Maiden’s “Moon Child” song from their “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son” Release)
Thus with my mind conditioned and twisted to believe that the only escape from the agony of my torment was in death. I accepted defeat thinking that I had brought too much reproach and shame against Jesus Christ to ever find a place of forgiveness and peace with God again. I was going to kill myself and die. Yet as I walked past the television in that narrow basement apartment on the corner of Sunnyside Ave. and Sheridan Rd. in Uptown Chicago. I was stopped by God as I felt the strongest desire to just turn the TV on. It was like I knew that God was telling me that He had an answer for me on the Christian Channel.
Please Note: If you are contemplating Suicide and have come across this Web Site and are now reading this article, it is no coincidence. God wants to rescue you. If you are unsaved the following verse is for you.
“The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” John 10:10
If you have been saved but you are now a back slider, I am lead to share this promise: “But Zion said, The LORD hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me. Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.” Isaiah 49:14-15
To be honest, I was tempted to just ignore this inner drawing of the Holy Spirit because I was so disillusioned by all the worldliness and entertainment airing on Christian Television; Yet, this inner drawing was so intense that I could not ignore it. So I stopped and turned on the TV and there I stood looking at a Bible Study program of a Preacher who took an active stand against worldliness in the Church. This man’s wife was sitting there as well, when suddenly she received a burden for them all to stop everything and to pray for someone watching who was hanging over the jaws of death. And they all began to pray in agreement in the Holy Ghost and in other tongues. And God visited me there in that basement apartment I was in. I mean that He came down in such power that I felt His arms wrap around me and shelter me as the light of God’s love flooded my soul quenching all the fiery darts of the enemy which were searing doubt, fear and condemnation into my heart. Then I looked down and in the Spirit I literally saw a demon spirit cowering in total defeat in God’s presence as it cried Holy, Holy, Holy trembling in fear. I also saw a pair of broken Chains and shackles in its hands as I was totally freed from my cocaine addiction.
It is written: “Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah. But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah. I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about. Arise, O LORD; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly. Salvation belongeth unto the LORD: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah.” Psalms 3:2-8
God proved Himself to be the only Hope for the Hopeless in delivering my soul from the power of the enemy. He then spoke to me and told me to leave Chicago immediately and I did. But not before rewriting my suicide note. Now it is a testimony to God’s delivering power and it reads as follows:
The Key that Unlocks the Door
If you’re standing behind a locked door facing a dark eternity And you’re searching for the answer to where you lost the key
If you’re reaching deep within yourself as your soul begins to bleed Trying to grasp your spirit’s will to fight the demon seed
Remember that prayer is the key to heaven but faith unlocks the door For Jesus Christ has won the victory and His victory is now ours
Thus the answer is not within yourself but in the One who died for all Therefore come boldly unto His throne of grace and into the darkness you shall not fall. © 1988 Evangelist Raymond Bolton Pena
God was right on time. He heard my cry and what was so miraculous about it all was the fact that God had that segment of that program running at exactly the right moment in which I needed to see it and to receive the Ministry of that gift of the Word of Knowledge which came to and through that precious preacher’s wife at that most crucial moment.
Just days after being delivered and coming here to Georgia, I came across a brand new “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son” cassette tape by “Iron Maiden.” Opening it up and looking on the lyrics sheet inside, I found a personal message to me from Satan. The last verse of the song “Moon Child” had been changed from: “There’s no escape for you young man / I’ll see you damned in endless night” to: “A lucky escape for now young man / But I’ll see you damned, in endless night.”
You might say: “No Way!” But as far as I know and to this very day that song still says: “A lucky escape for now young man.”
I really believe that it was a personal threat from Satan to me. I think one of Satan’s greatest weapons against young believers is that of making them believe that they have somehow sinned away their day of grace and that they are going to be damned. He is especially deceitful at using various Bible passages as tormenting threats to discomfit the believer. Yet as they say: “The Devil is a Liar.” I have also written an article titled “Overcoming the Evil Devices of Satan" which deals with the devices of Satan in not only whispering lies of deceit, but also in manipulating circumstances to convince a believer that they have committed an unpardonable sin and are therefore going to be damned without hope.
Note: That is not to undermine the reality of the blinding, corrupting and damning power of unrepented sins. It’s just simply a message of God’s Love and will for all back sliders to come to repentance and to escape the tormenting fear of Judgment knowing that if their heart is sincere and they are contrite before God, He will be mighty to save on their behalf and they still have hope. For it is written: “His Mercy Endureth Forever.”
“Praise ye the LORD. O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.” Psalms 106:1
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